“Everything that irritates us about others...

...can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”



In our most recent discussion, we spoke of the importance of self-reflection as an integral part of self-leadership. In that discussion, we reinforced our belief that if you cannot lead you, you do not have the right to lead others. In keeping with that general theme in this discussion, we explore the idea outlined in the title quote by the noted psychologist Carl Jung. The thing we least like about another person can very well be the thing we like least about ourselves.

Leaders will always be able to recognize and identify irritations within the teams they lead. Vocalizing these irritations outright in the moment has little redeeming value as there is little backing for why they exist for the leader. However, recognizing these irritations presents an opportunity for the leader to exercise their own emotional intelligence. We define emotional intelligence as the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. Essentially, the leader’s ability to recognize and manage their emotions while understanding the emotions in others to build meaningful relationships.

While recognition and understanding are important elements of the emotionally intelligent leader, so too is curiosity. It is the curious leader who can ask themselves some key questions in the face of irritations before actually responding in the moment. Questions such as, “What is my reaction actually based on?” or “How is my reaction adding value to my own leadership?” among many other possibilities. This combination of emotional intelligence and curiosity can be tough in the moment and feel awkward at first, especially if the irritation in question is significant. We coach our leader clients around PBR in these situations. PBR stands for Pause, Breathe, Respond. Basically, it means to develop an initial response pattern of taking a three-count, take a breath, then respond, preferably with a question!

Here is where the five-step self-reflection process outlined in our previous discussion comes into play. Reflecting on one’s responses to irritations through the lens of self-development creates an attitude of self-confidence and self-compassion that appreciates the work-in-progress status of every leader. The leader’s team benefits greatly from this process. We know from the Betari Box (shown above in the grasphic for this post) that the leader’s attitude influences the leader’s behavior. This behavior in turn impacts the team’s attitude ultimately informing the team’s behavior, the very behavior that drives desired results!

Effective relationships cannot happen if leaders are always waiting for the others to change. Effective leaders own their work-in-progress humanity and make the time to self-reflect and adapt to achieve sustainable success!

What did you learn about yourself the last time you were irritated? If you’re not sure, we can help.

Lead well!